Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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