i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling