Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
