Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
