so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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