I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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