You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
