dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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