i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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