My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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