i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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