forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
