my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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