I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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