My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
