Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
