I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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