I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
