Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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