I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
