you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
