im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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