but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
