The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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