I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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