The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
