Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
