Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
