you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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