my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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