In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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