I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
