I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
