At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
