Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
