Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do vagina's smell?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
