cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
