I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
