So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
