the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
