go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
