wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
