I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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