Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
