I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
