I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
