just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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