The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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