He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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