I cannot find my penis.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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