The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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