I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize