Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
