we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
