Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
