How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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