He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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