Can i not drive my cunt home
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
