If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
