i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
