So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
