How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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