I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
