i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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